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Tuesday, 06 October 2009

OK

I just have to get it out. I feel like if I don't write it down (in this case, type) somewhere, it won't be official or be branded into my brain

NO MORE BUYING STUFF
My first 2.5 paychecks go to my mom
the rest is going into my checking/savings

Things I must save for:
Christmas
Birthdays
Studying Abroad
COLLEGE

again,
NO MORE STUFF BUYING

I must say, this was an early early Christmas present
and I barely used any of my babysitting money anyways.

so why do I feel so bad.

starting NOW!

Tuesday, 04 August 2009

why the HELL

do I keep losing things. It's getting ridiculous. FROM NOW ON I promise to be more aware of things. SHIT seriously, I'm in trouble.

Sunday, 28 June 2009

I'm addicted to minesweeper! I want to call it mindsweeper. anyways, it is a big part of how I slowly waste my summer away

I'm still mad! I want a job so bad, but I've given up because I leave soon. I'm really excited about leaving. This is the most excited about going to NY that I've been, ever, I think. It's sad to think why.

I have so much on my mind. I'm on a diet and it consumes me. Actually, it doesn't because I like to think that I won't eat something but then I actually do. So it doesn't work out. I just want to stay healthy. Being sick has really kind of screwed it up a bit but oh well. I've realized that I really don't have to eat as much as I want to or used to. It's bad, no one really knows

that's another thing. no one knows what I've been thinking or feeling lately. It's nothing drastic or bad really, but I want change.

I feel like all my posts are cryptic, and they are. I just hope that for myself, when I reread them I know exactly what I was talking about and my feelings during it.

so here I go

I'm not sure what kind of friend to take you as now. It's dissolved but whatever. I keep saying that I'm going to give up on my part, but I also feel like I owe it to you. I shouldn't though, because you've made your choice I see.

I want someone. like I know it's a little neurotic to think of it now, but what if I never find that person? It's a little scary but it doesn't change how I act around people or anything. But I've thought about it lately
it's all this loneliness. If it's karma, what for?

I want to be happy, I know I should be. I have fantastic friends and family.

on a weirder, possibly more self-absorbed note, I have a reading diary now. It actually is just a notebook of a list of all the books I've ever read. Well not all, but the ones that I could remember and compile. OK, there is no use for it, I know...but something in me kept telling me to do it, even when another part keeps telling me its D-U-M-B. It's not like I'm going to show anyone it or want anyone to ever open it. But it has a list of my favorites, which I feel like I should at least list. I hope I'm not coming off as pretentious or an intellectual. because I don't think I am. Just, reading is my first love. I love it so much I could spend a day in bed just reading.

I don't want to sound like a downer, because I'm really not. Lately, there's just been a lot of stuff going on...and I've been worrying too much. I will seize the day! there was something I was going to say but I forgot. oh well, tatata!

Sunday, 21 June 2009

Do you ever feel like you're at a standstill? Like you're just waiting for something big to happen?

I kind of feel like that. I screwed myself over this summer with trips. I couldn't take summer school because of my 2 week HB hiatus. And now I probably can't get a job because of it too. And all my parents do is nag about that. WTF you guys are the reason I'm in this stitch. Don't get me wrong, I'd love to go on a trip and to a wedding, I can't wait. But it really doesn't make my life any easier when you guys are bitching about the consequences of it.

on another topic, I miss you. I hate myself for it, and when I think about you even more it quickly goes away. But those fleeting moments kill me. How do I stop.

I need to get out

Thursday, 11 June 2009

alone

no matter what people say, it comes down to that. It really makes you question yourself. Is it so bad? Yeah...sometimes it is.

But again, no matter what people say to you or do to make you feel better, in the end that's all you are.

Friday, 05 June 2009

wow

haha I just read some old posts...I kind of had a thing for theatrics. I'm a little embarrassed, even though I should not be, I mean I guess I was who I was. I wouldn't change a thing. It's funny reading them, but I can't help but cringe. Do you know what I'm saying? like, "what the hell was I thinking?" or "what was I even trying to get across?" I've mellowed out a ton. I mean in person I think I am still the same, but what I reveal online is a lot more collected and composed. I think that's a good step hahahaaha

anyways, today was my last day of my first year of college instruction!! Huzzah, hooray, yippee. I was walking back from class and I couldn't help but notice that I seriously love it here. It's so laid back, beautiful, and bigger than myself. It's mine, yet at the same time it isn't. Does that make sense?
I mean, walking back to my dorm, I get to see this huge ocean view. every day, every time. It's fantastic. When the sun is setting I walk a little slower or sometimes I'll stop and just take it in and I feel like everything is just perfect in that exact moment. It's breathtaking and heartstopping. It shows me that the smallest things don't always matter, but add them up and make sure you understand the bigger picture.

It's kind of what college has taught me...to look at the bigger picture. Don't fret over the trivial, mundane things because that's what they are. I don't want to get too philosophical because I'm in no position to haha. Quarter system sucks fat round spheres, I have to worry about every little test, homework assignment, grade, reading, to get that A I need. Ah, I already contradicted myself. Not good.

Today one of my favorite professors, Professor Chang, ended our discussion on Japanese adoption of Zen Buddhism amazingly. Zen idea is that life is fleeting and impermanent. So why care, why strive, why reach? and he said it's because of exactly that, that life is short and constantly morphing, that we have the shortest times to make that change and try and make it worth it. Time may not wait for us and we don't have the ability to harness it...but we can make the actions we take and the things we say and the choices we make all count.

I don't know, I'm not trying to prove anything or sound eloquent or smart...it just really meant something to me and I wanted to at least document that at some point I had this realization.

now it's Finals Week....ah....the week of utter and total hell.

ta ta for now!

Wednesday, 03 June 2009

well

I'm not who I am on here in real life. It's like I use this to talk to myself about the most erratic things....the leftovers of my day.

that's what it is.

I read some of my old posts...and it's definitely thoughts to myself. who else could stand reading them haha.

I feel bad. And I'm scared. 2 weeks to screw up my year or end it on a great note. Yet I can't focus, I can't do it. Sometimes I feel like the stuff I was doing so well on is slipping away. I want to bust my ass and do well so badly. I want so much, I want everything. I'm going to start.

I'll admit this- I feel bad.

Tuesday, 02 June 2009

boop beep boo boop

I can't sleep. Tonight I realized that I stay up a little later and later...how will I ever get sleep? Do I really require that little? I feel like I do so much everyday or I have so much energy, but on such little sleep? Is something wrong?

I love my new piercing. It's so...quaint? does that even fit? Why do I ask so many questions? I always wondered that. anyways, it hurts like a mother trucker and a bunch of baby trucks. I wish I had magical powers. If I had three wishes that would definitely be one of them. Then I would heal myself. I sound dumb. But it's almost 2 a.m. so I guess that's okay. It would look magical

It sucks that Diane canceled her xanga....I always enjoyed reading hers. So cryptic, but I could kind of guess what she was writing. I kind of just told her that

My new phone is waiting for me at home! ah I realized I got super obsessed with that. I think it's a good thing that I don't have it with me at school because then I'd never ever ever get anything done. boohoohooly. I'm going to be so super productive this week it will blow my mind. and the minds of those in my vicinity, so watch out. I guess taking the time to write this already makes that...false.

I miss Sun God, that was so much fun AH so crazy. Just saw the pamphlet on my desk, that's why P!

11 more days of campus living. I'm going to miss it so much. How do I go home and have a curfew and chores and stuff? When I go back I know for sure that I'm going to clean my room from top to bottom because Monster Kylie made it disgusting.

I had my last accounting class today. It's so hard! I love it! I love all of it, I want to be so good at that. I think I know what I might want to do in life. I really really really like it, I learned so much. I have to work hard though, I have a chance at an A in the class.

I write about the most trivial things. Bigger things may be on my mind...but WHO CARES. but I feel like I write like a 4th grader, with basic sentences. whatever, I just wrote a 10 page paper, my brain needs to depuff. and I DO WHAT I WANT

Friday, 29 May 2009

I have some time to kill, kind of, I should be doing other things. But I'm not so I guess I'm going to spill.

let's see what I am thinking about

my piercing. I'm trying to heal it
running, I want to do the HB marathon and I know it's going to be hard but I'm going to push push push myself
the new phone I want, I'm a little obsessive
cleaning my room, and how I'm going to have to move out in around 2 weeks
my friends <3
my grades. ahhhhhh
how badly I want a job
piercing tomorrow
MY PHONE!!!! ah!!!
how I should be working on Chinese
my Grandma : (

ok I have had a personal revelation. I tend to obsess over things...a lot. I don't know if I can consider myself dramatic. I am not sure. But here are the characteristics of the things I obsess about

1. They are not people
2. They are something that looks good
3. I usually stumble upon it randomly
4. I know that I am going down a bad path
5. I waste hours thinking about that thing
6. I will google it several times a day
7. I may even look at forums on the topic

what I like is that all these things, I tend to at least keep doing. like knitting, I use to knit so much. Now I just don't have the time. I'm sure though, that if I were to pick it up again I would still be able to do it. Same with sewing. I used to sew little cute things (to me at least). I think I could still do them all, but it's all a matter of time

There is so little time to do anything, but I know I waste so much of it doing countless other things. like last night. I'm not even sure what I did, but I sure didn't finish my Chinese essay. SEE!!!

This summer I am going to do as much as possible

I want to run, read, work, hang out with friends and family, clean, tennis, EVERYTHING. I will do it.

and New York and weddings, I am so excited! I wish I was there more often though, for my family. I don't know what to do.

anyways, some of my favorite people are coming to visit this weekend, they are done with school and I am teeming with jealously. Regardless, I love them!

This was such a nice freshman year. Albeit some of my grades, I am proud so far. At the same time I know that it can go the other way in an instant. I hope I make it through this quarter with what I want. I reallllly need it.

love love love love

Sunday, 10 May 2009

changes

this quarter has been full of them. What's happened

1. my grandma passed away May 1, 2009.
2. I was with someone for like a week.
3. I bought an apparatus
4. I'm working harder.
5. I appreciate things more.
6. I'm completely over the last 5 or 6 years.
7. I feel strong
8. I miss her so much
9. I am trying
10. clarity

I think I'm okay. I didn't get to say bye. That kills me. If I think I get sad. I miss you it feels like a dream when you aren't around, that you're going to show up magically or you're just sleeping or out and that I will see you later, I don't know how I'll take what I know is coming.

I am so mad, disappointed, furious, and sad. I want to scream but I can't and I don't really know what to do. Thanks for making it so much easier though

it's to relax it's hilarious

if it's one thing you were good for, you helped me goooooooo

I make no sense